The Cowboy and the Frenchman
written by David Lynch
Paris, France 1988
On the dusty prairie, THREE COWBOYS stare off incredolously at a struggling BLUE-SUITED DANDY coming toward them from the distance. SLIM, the foreman of the ranch, is almost stone deaf from two thirty-odd-six rounds which went off a little too close when he was thirteen and a half. Consequently, he speaks quite loudly.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
WHAT THE HELL PETE!?...GOLL
DANG WHAT IS THAT?!...YOU AND DUSTY
GO ON UP THERE AND SEE ABOU THAT
DAMN THING.
PETE
Yes, sir, Slim. I'll take Dusty with
me.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAID!
DUSTY
I'll go on up there with 'im Slim.
They all look at each other.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
NOW I'M GONNA TELL YA ONE MORE TIME
BOYS AND I'M GONNA TELL IT TO YA PLAIN.
GO ON UP THERE AND FIND OUT WHAT THE
HELL THAT IS CRAWLIN DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.
The boys, PETE and DUSTY, ride off toward the struggling figure.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
(as he watches the boys
close in)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DAMN THING?!
The boys cautiously approach the figure who calls out in
completely undecipherable wild phrases. They immediately rope
the figure and bring it to the ground.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
(calling out)
WATCH THAT DAMN THING DON'T STRIKE
OUT YA, BOYS!!!!
SLIM watches as the boys securely bind the FIGURE and bring it
toward him.
On the other side of the mountain we see LONE INDIAN moving
sheepishly.
The roped and bound FIGURE is brought directly in front of the
FOREMAN SLIM. SLim looks at the alien figure - he studies his
fancy hand-tooled leather shoes, his beautifully designed
midnight blue suit, his islk shirt, tidy moustache and a few
packages of Gauloises cigarettes.
SIM (FOREMAN)
WHAT THE HELL HAVE WE GOT
HERE?!?!?!
There is a slight BIRD CALL and Slim instantly looks up.
SLIM (FOREMAN) (CON'T)
I GOT IT!!!
Slim shoots into the air with his six gun and there is a
SHRIEKING BIRD SOUND.
SLIM (FOREMAN) (CON'T)
I CAN'T MAKE OUT A DAMN THING IT'S
SAYING...CAN YOU FELLAS?!
PETE
Nope.
DUSTY
Nope.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
DAMN!!! THIS MAY BE SOME KIND
GOLL DANGED ALIEN SPY. GO
THROUGH HIS BAG BEFORE WE KILL 'IM.
As DUSTY AND PETE go through the bag the FIGURE tries to tell the
cowboys about the STATUE OF LIBERTY, the ISLAND OF MANHATTAN and
some kind people he met in a park who gave him several multi-
colored pills which made poetry come to life and rainbows and
small animals appear when he least expected them and then they
were gone - the Staue of Liberty was gone and an INDIAN then
appeared who has been trailing him for the last ten days.
While going through the fancy hand-tooled leather valise, PETE
AND DUSTY find several bottles of red wine and many different
shaped cheeses. they find a picture of the EIFFEL TOWER, a
picture of BRIDGETTE BARDOT, a picture of CHARLES DE GAULLE, a
picture of TOULOUSE LATREC (which makes the FOREMAN screw up his
face in a strange way) , a picture of the ARC DE TRIOMPHE, and a
pile of SNAILS.
DUSTY
(when he sees the snails)
He had a bunch of them in his
Pockets, too.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
DAMN, THAT'S AWFUL!
PETE
maybe he fell asleep next to a
stream...
DUSTY
(Finding a letter inside
the figure's valise)
He's got some kinda letter
here... could explain some things
maybe... maybe not.
SLIM
GIMME THAT DAMN THING AND I'LL
READ IT.
SLIM reads the letter and in so doing butchers the French
language beyond belief.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
GOLL DANG - YIPPIE KAI YAI A -
THIS IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
Suddenly SLIM draws his six-shooter and fires loudly out to the
sidenstantly killing a large rattlesnake. DUSTY and PETE
continue going through the FIGURE'S valise. Under some silk
shirts they find a piping hot plate with french fries.
PETE
By golly Slim, he's got french
fries.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
HELL! SHOOT! FRENCH FRIES?!?!
WELL THEN BY GOLLY I'LL BETCHA A
NICKEL WE GOT OURSELVES A FRENCHMAN
HERE.
(to Frenchman very loud)
OVER ACROSS THE POND, PARDNER??
(to the boys)
UNTIE HIM BOYS AND I'LL GET US SOME
KETCHUP... PETE, GO ON UP TO THE
RANCH HOUSE AND GET US A COUPLA
CASES OF BEER...
(calling after Pete)
PETE - THAT'S TWO CASES - PABST
BLUE RIBBON - LONG NECKS.
In the corral, a wild bull-doggin' cowboy named HOWDY is in the
process of wrestling a bull to the ground.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
HOWDY!!!! FINISH BULL-DOGGIN'
THAT CRITTER AND GET ON UP TO
THE RANCH-HOUSE AND GIVE PETE A
HAND WITH THAT BEER.
HOWDY
(right smack dab in the
middle of wrestling the
bull)
Yes sir, Slim... Do you want me to
get a coupla bags of beer nuts too??
SLIM (FOREMAN)
WHAT'DIYA SAY HOWDY... SPEAK UP...
I COULDN'T HEAR A DAMN THING YOU
SAID. YOU BULL-DOGGERS ARE A
LITTLE SHORT ON MEMORY. HOW MANY
TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I'M DAMN NEAR
STONE COLD DEAF ON ACCOUNT OF TWO
THIRTY-ODD-SIX ROUNDS GOING OFF A
LITTLE TOO CLOSE WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN
AND A HALF??
HOWDY
SLIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I SAID DO
YOU WANT ME TO GET A COUPLA BAGS OF
BEER NUTS TOO??
SLIM (FOREMAN)
I SAID WHEN YA FINISH BULL-DOGGIN'
THAT CRITTER GET ON UP TO THE
RANCH HOUSE AND GIVE PETE A HAND
WITH THAT BEER... GET A COUPLA BAGS
OF BEER NUTS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT HOWDY.
HOWDY, completely frustrated, marches off toward the ranch-house
without answering Slim.
The Frenchman, wide-eyed with panic, catches sight of the Indian
peering out at him from behind the barn. He points wildly in that
direction which is somewhat the same direction Pete has gone.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
SETTLE DOWN THERE PARDNER... PETE
AND HOWDY WILL BE RIGHT BACK. I'M
HANKERIN FOR AN ICE COLD BEER MYSELF.
Some gals by the corral SING "Like a fluffy white cloud -time
passes slowly... o'er the prairie."
LATER - A table has been set up near the corral. The Frenchman
has all his cheeses and wines out and SLIM and THE BOYS have many
beers open and some steaks on a barbecue. The Frenchman is
still trying to tell Slim about the Statue of Liberty - about the
Island of Manhattan being sold by Indians to the white-men and
about a small zebra in a Ford automobile somewhere in Hoeboken
and a wild Indian who's been trailing him for the past ten days.
In fact, the Frenchman is convinced the Indian is hiding behind
the barn and keeps pointiing in that direction. Slim pats him
heartily on the back, not understanding one single word the
Frenchman speaks.
The Frenchman offers some cheese to Slim. Slim arches back and
his fist flies out and knocks the cheese hrad into the dirt.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
DON'T EAT THAT DAMN THING... I
SMELLED THOSE CHEESES EARLIER AND
THEY'VE ALL GONE BAD!!
Suddenly, the Indian steps out cautiously and heads away from the
group - off toward the mountains. The Frenchman goes wild -
screaming and pointing. The Indian retreats faster. Slim spots
the Indian.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
HEY THERE BROKEN FEATHER!!!
WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOIN - HELL IT'S CHOW
TIME AROUND THE CORRAL!!!
BROKEN FEATHER
(calling back)
Me not know what that is...
SLIM (FOREMAN)
HELL, IT'S A FRENCHMAN!!
CAME DOWN OFF THE MOUNTAIN
EARLIER TODAY.
BROKEN FEATHER
Me know. Trail it ten days.
Think Great Spirit send peyote
nightmare. Worry for your ranch -
animals - livestock - personnel.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
HELL, IT'S A FRENCHMAN - I ALREADY
TOLD YA THAT. GOT A BUNCH OF
CRAZY THINGS IN HIS SUITCASE - COME
ON OVER AND TAKE A LOOK!!
BROKEN FEATHER moves cautiously up toward the group. From time
to time Broken Feather hangs his head and kicks the dirt with his
mocassins.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
(to Dusty)
SOMETHING ELSE IS EATING HIM...
DUSTY
Hell... I couldn't guess what.
PETE
You ever pay him that twenty bucks
he won?...
SLIM (FOREMAN)
DID YOU?
DUSTY
Well hell...Shucks...Landa
Goshin... I guess not on accounta
that was the night i got a hundred
and six fever and grandma boiled
my marbles.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
WELL... MAKE IT UP TO 'IM.
DUSTY
(to Broken Feather)
Sorry Broken Feather... I forgot
ta pay you your twnety bucks.
So as there'll be no hard feelings
here's twenty-five.
BROKEN FEATHER
Didn't want to say anything -
thought you'd either smoked it or
drank it all - didn't know which -
thinkin it was one or the other -
but wasn't sure which - thanks -
feel much better now.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
WELL TAKE A BEER THEN.
BROKEN FEATHER
Thanks - where's suitcase?? Trailed
him for ten days - was always
curious - kept tossin out snails.
Scared me.
Two or three curvaceous gals come forth to finish off the steaks
and prepare the rest of the dinner.
FRENCHMAN
Ooh la la...
SLIM (FOREMAN)
YIPPIE KAI YAI YIPPIE YIPPIE KAI
YAI A.
A bunch of chickens race crazily aroud in the dirt.
A bunch of gals by the corral SING "Sometimes passing like a
tumbling tumbleweed."
LATER - Slim is drinking red wine from a wine glass and the
Frenchman is chug-alugging beers. Empty bottles litter the
ground. The camp-fire burns brightly.
SLIM (FOREMAN)
(to Frenchman - slurred
speech)
WHAT'S YOUR NAME PARDNER??
FRENCHMAN
Pierre.
Dusty and Pete look at one another as Pierre begins to speak
poetically about the beauty of the American countryside at night.
A surreal wind comes up. Dusty, Pete, Broken Feather, Slim,
Howdy, the westeren gals and Pierre all stare transfixed at one
another for one bright moment. STRANGE MUSIC swells.
In the corral horses leap wildly in slow motion.
Spotlights illuminate fancy cowboys swinging their lariats.
Now can-can dancers suddenly appear in a glow - dancing happily.
A big american car sails by in the foreground.
Broken Feather, strangely enough, begins to yodel the French
National anthem while perched on the fence.
French girls appear out of nowhere - pouting.
Broken Feather yodels the American National Anthem.
All the images and all the various musics blend together in a
French-American frenzy.
Slim and Pierre pat each other enthusiastically on the back.
Slim has learned how to say "ooh la la."
Pierre has learned how to say "yippie kai yai yippie yippie kai
yai A."
Slim kisse a french girl and Pierre kisses one of the curvaceous
gals. The French girls says " It's a Ho Ho Ho and a He He He -
it's a dosi doe and a dosi dee."
The gals around the corral SING "Nighttime fades away to dawn
with the cheerful sound of the meadowlark."
Sunrises with the sound of a meadowlark.
Pierre, in Slim's cowboy hat, watches with his arms around two
beehived curvaceous gals while Slim, in Pierre's beret, sings
"Home of the Range" to a fence-load of beautiful french girls.
As Slim finishes his song - the eggs and bacon almost ready to
eat - he takes out his six shooter and fires a round into the
air-
SLIM (FOREMAN)
VIVE LA FRANCE!!!!!!!
EVERYONE
(echoing Slim)
VIVE LA FRANCE!!!!!!!
THE END
The Cowboy & the Frenchman
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© Mike Hartmann
thecityofabsurdity@yahoo.com
| 
1989
Teleplay